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Scholar
#26 Old 22nd Feb 2013 at 12:59 AM
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
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Mad Poster
#27 Old 22nd Feb 2013 at 3:20 AM
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac stay awake thinking about all night? He wonders if there's a dog or not.

Addicted to The Sims since 2000.
Banned
#28 Old 22nd Feb 2013 at 3:28 AM
I still think asteroids and hemorrhoids should switch names.


BTW do you know the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her twat?


Not everything that comes out of her twat is retarded.
Field Researcher
#29 Old 22nd Feb 2013 at 12:23 PM
A gay deer walks out of a bar.
"I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks"

"Go on, the world is your canvas."
Lab Assistant
#30 Old 22nd Feb 2013 at 6:59 PM
What did the lesbian vampire tell her girlfriend?

See you next month! :D
Mad Poster
#31 Old 22nd Feb 2013 at 7:55 PM
Quote:
BTW do you know the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her twat?
Not everything that comes out of her twat is retarded.
So, racist humor is not allowed, but misogynist terms and slurs against the mentally disabled is ok? I've lost my taste for this thread.

Addicted to The Sims since 2000.
Mad Poster
#32 Old 23rd Feb 2013 at 12:10 AM
A pregnant woman goes into a coma. Months later, she wakes up, no longer pregnant.

“You had twins,” the nurse exclaims. “Your brother named them.”

“What did he name the girl?” the woman asks.

“Denise!”

“That’s alright, I like Denise. And the boy?”

“Denephew.”



Angie/DS | Baby Sterling - 24/2/2014
This account is mostly used by my sons to download CC now, if you see me active, it's probably just them!
Theorist
#33 Old 23rd Feb 2013 at 5:36 AM
Kim Kardashian recently said that if she didn't have her stardom then she would like to work for CSI forensics. Understandable, since she's been collecting dna samples for years.
Forum Resident
#34 Old 23rd Feb 2013 at 6:29 AM
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

"Given enough time, hydrogen starts to wonder where it came from, and where it is going." - Edward R. Harrison
Alchemist
Original Poster
#35 Old 23rd Feb 2013 at 3:16 PM
Quote: Originally posted by VerDeTerre
So, racist humor is not allowed, but misogynist terms and slurs against the mentally disabled is ok? I've lost my taste for this thread.


I didn't expect this kind of jokes ._.



A man is sitting a restaurant.
'Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!' -'Not long anymore. Do you see the spider on the edge of your plate?'

That was a damn corny one.

If you remember me, I'm awesome!
__________
Need help building? We'll help.
Née whiterider
retired moderator
#36 Old 23rd Feb 2013 at 4:44 PM
Quote:
...slurs against the mentally disabled is ok?

Just in case it needs pointing out, no they aren't. Please, everyone, keep your jokes respectful and PG-13 (and preferably funny, but you can't have everything in life).

What I lack in decorum, I make up for with an absence of tact.
Forum Resident
#37 Old 24th Feb 2013 at 5:53 AM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petri wine, they retire to their tent for the night.

At about 3 in the morning, Holmes wakes Watson up and says, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

Holmes continues, "And, what does that tell you?"

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Someone has stolen our tent."

"Given enough time, hydrogen starts to wonder where it came from, and where it is going." - Edward R. Harrison
Theorist
#38 Old 25th Feb 2013 at 5:34 AM
"So you're not scared of voodoo or curses? Haven't you ever thought about it?"
"I'm a Pisces. We're not superstitious."
Banned
#39 Old 27th Feb 2013 at 3:20 AM
Why did the Catholic priest go to Wal-Mart?


He heard little boys' pants were half-off.
Scholar
#40 Old 28th Feb 2013 at 3:48 AM
What does a vampire call a men running? Fast-food! :D
Forum Resident
#41 Old 28th Feb 2013 at 7:07 AM
This one's a classic, but it might as well be here.

A man is sitting in a bar one day when strangely a panda walks in. The man watches the panda closely as it sits down at the bar and orders some nachos. Calmly it eats the nachos for a while, then suddenly it pulls a gun out of its fur. It shoots one of the other bar patrons, then calmly walks out of the bar.

The man looks, bewildered, at the bartender, who doesn't seem fazed at all. "Look what just happened! Why aren't you panicking about this?"

The bartender shrugs. "It was just doing what was its nature to do."

The man stares at the bartender confusedly. The bartender sighs and replies, "Haven't you looked up pandas in the encyclopedia? It says, 'Panda: Eats shoots and leaves."

The Overlord Legacy - Taking over the world one generation at a time.
The Addison House - The reality show where eight contestants are crammed in one haunted house to survive.
Banned
#42 Old 28th Feb 2013 at 9:07 PM
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
Scholar
#43 Old 1st Mar 2013 at 1:30 AM
Two dogs and a cat were looking for somewhere warm to spend the night. However, they'd padded up and down most of the streets in town without success. They'd almost given up hope when the cat spotted a light burning in a large doorway.

The three strays went up to the door, where they saw a sign that read: "Christmas Party, Musicians Only".
"Food, warmth... we're in!" said one dog. So they snuck past the guard and curled up by the roaring fire.

Before long they were spotted by one of the party hosts.
"Can't you read? The sign outside says "Musicians Only."
One dog looked up.
"But we are musicians," he said. "Let me introduce you." Pointing to the other dog, "He Bach," pointing to himself, "I Offenbach", indicating the cat, "He Debussy."

No need to use my full name, "Selly" will do just fine.
Banned
#44 Old 1st Mar 2013 at 3:08 AM
Why don't snakes have balls?

Test Subject
#45 Old 8th Mar 2013 at 1:32 AM Last edited by Watif2711 : 8th Mar 2013 at 1:32 AM. Reason: spelled somethign wrong
I hope this is allowed on the thread but here I go

Whats the most perverted animal.......

The Rhino, its always horny
Mad Poster
#46 Old 9th Mar 2013 at 4:00 AM
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked , and dry cleaners depressed?
And why do they call the place you PARK, a driveway, and the place you DRIVE a parkway?

OK, not exactly a JOKE.

Stand up, speak out. Just not to me..
Theorist
#47 Old 9th Mar 2013 at 6:54 AM Last edited by ScaryRob : 9th Mar 2013 at 11:48 PM.
Quote: Originally posted by grammapat
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked , and dry cleaners depressed?
And why do they call the place you PARK, a driveway, and the place you DRIVE a parkway?
Thanks, your post has made me gruntled.
(That would be the opposite of disgruntled.)
Banned
#48 Old 9th Mar 2013 at 9:54 PM
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”
So, here I am.
Theorist
#49 Old 15th Mar 2013 at 6:57 PM
A priest, a bishop, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"


A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"


Two dyslexics walk into a bra...


A pig walks into a bar and orders a drink. He finishes his drink and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points the bathroom out to the pig, who goes in, does his business, and leaves. A few minutes later, another pig comes in. Again, the pig orders a drink, finishes it, and asks where the bathroom is. Several more minutes go by, and a third pig comes in and orders a drink. The pig finishes the drink and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replied, "No, I'm the pig that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."
Forum Resident
#50 Old 16th Mar 2013 at 4:08 PM
Did you just call me, stupid? See, the punctition makes a difference. Spelling counts, too.

The limerick form is complex.
It's content runs chiefly to sex.
It burgeons with virgins,
and masculine urges,
and swarms with erotic effects.
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