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Scholar
Original Poster
#1 Old 26th Jun 2017 at 2:26 AM
Default what's really going on with me
I'm only doing this because Bubblebeam asked me to, and after seeing that there's been some concern I figured I would say something. I stopped posting here because I saw no reason to do so anymore, not because of anything any one person did. I've simply reached a point where I don't have the strength to deal with anything anymore, I just don't have what it takes to overcome my problems and it becomes more obvious each day. I've been having multiple serious break downs per day, and they just continue to become more frequent and more severe. Even after writing my mom a note back in April explaining how I feel nothing has changed at all, my family has done nothing. I even mentioned my thoughts of suicide, and that went completely ignored. People online have tried to help, but it isn't the same as having someone actually here in person to help because no matter how much anyone online tries to help that still means I need to rely on myself to make things happen and I simply can't do it.

One thing that really frustrates me is when people online try suggesting something that I've already mentioned being unable to do. Some examples of that are people saying to see a doctor or a therapist. I have no job which means no money or insurance which means I can't do a thing on my own, and after writing that note that I previously mentioned my mom seems to expect me to do this on my own anyway. My anxiety has become so severe it's impossible to make any sort of calls for any reason, so that's also a major problem as it eliminates ways of reaching out for help. I don't have a clue what to do. I feel like a child, one that's completely lost with no one to turn to and no possible way to help myself. No matter how much I want to believe, and no matter what anyone online wants to say I simply can't do this on my own.

Another major problem is loneliness. I can't seem to make friends, and then when I do my problems get in the way anyway. I have nobody outside of the internet anymore, those few I did have seemed to give up on me once they knew of my problems. Lately I can't even talk to anyone, and can hardly even talk to people online, so as badly as I want and need people to talk to I just can't seem to do it anyway. Plus after a recent problem with someone I met on another forum I just have a hard time trusting people, I won't go into what happened here though I may talk about it privately if anyone actually wanted to know. I honestly feel like loneliness might be my biggest problem, and also not having someone in my life hurts too. I'm sure most people reading this never saw it, or maybe don't remember it if you did, but I posted here about a year ago talking about how I really wanted to find that special someone and about how that really bothered me. Well I'm sure most of you can't understand what it's like, but not having that person to be with is very painful.

Look I'm not going to sugarcoat things here, and I'm not going to say anything just for pity or for attention either, but I simply hate life right now and don't want any part of it anymore. I feel completely useless and feel like a complete failure since I can't pull myself out of this at all. I can't even do the things I used to love anymore, nothing seems to help and it all just seems hopeless. I hate everything about my life right now, but I've become so trapped in this mess I simply can't get out of it.

Just to give another idea of how I'm really feeling here's something I wrote today. I'm putting it behind spoiler tags because it's not positive in any way. It's basically a reflection of my true thoughts, so it's pretty dark and depressing. So if something like that might bother you then you should avoid reading it.
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Mad Poster
#2 Old 26th Jun 2017 at 4:18 AM
Haywud, Thanks for the update. I'm sorry it's still so very bad for you. If it would help, could I make a call for you? Message me if you want that.

Addicted to The Sims since 2000.
Former Hamster
retired moderator
#3 Old 26th Jun 2017 at 4:26 AM
Haywud - at the moment I have no words, but I wanted you to know that someone has actually read every word you posted here. When I get my thoughts in order I'll get back to this. Part of the problem is that some of what I want to say is deeply personal and I'm not sure how much I want to share with "the public".. but I can't help but feel you need to hear it. So I need to think.

Just hang in there. I know that's easier said than done but I've been there and I also know that all hope is not lost...

Edited to add: Disagrees? Really? Whoever is doing that, do you think you could just have a little bit of respect and not be a douche here? I'm pretty sure you're not a bot, which means you are human, which in turn means you are capable of having a bit of compassion.. so try exercising that instead of your disagree finger.
Field Researcher
#4 Old 26th Jun 2017 at 5:28 AM Last edited by cord11 : 26th Jun 2017 at 7:05 AM.
I like your poem Haywud. I hope that the implied suicide in those last 2 lines, and already mentioned, doesn't become reality, but I still like the poem. I don't know if you've been suggested this already, but you have something to participate in a poetry slam. It might give you a chance to meet people. It's easier said than done, but just go up to people and strike up a conversation even, you've got nothing to lose at this point. They'll be lots of people who blow you off, but eventually you're bound to find someone open to being your friend. Remember that the people who blow you off aren't a loss either, it's not like you know them now, plus chances are as a stranger any first impression made won't be big enough to leave any real lasting effects should you run into them again at a later date.

If you ever need to talk, I'm up for messaging and audio/video calls if you don't mind talking to a 17 year old on the other side of the continent. I'm not going to go into stuff here, but I do know a little bit of how loneliness feels, and have a fair amount of friends who have reached quite dark places. I want to help.

WowoW it's a badly hidden owo UwU Yeet skeet Idk what I'm doing
Former Hamster
retired moderator
#5 Old 26th Jun 2017 at 11:16 AM Last edited by mustluvcatz : 26th Jun 2017 at 2:52 PM.
I still have no words. Well, that's a lie as I have a million of them but I think that this is not the time to write them down here. I know from personal experience that someone going through what you're going through doesn't really want to hear about how bad someone else had/has it, you're more likely to think "Yeah, you don't understand. You don't know what it's like for me". So I'm going to drop some links here instead.

https://twloha.com/
https://www.imalive.org/
http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeli...felineChat.aspx

The last 2 links have a chat - you don't need to call anyone. Since you have trouble with talking on the phone but seem to be ok with writing things out, give one of those 2 a try? Talking to someone on a forum or on Skype is one thing. Talking to someone who has been trained to talk to someone going through any kind of crisis is another AND they have access to other resources that us "normal" people probably have no clue exist.

Edit: Actually, the last link is the link to the chat. Forgot what page I was on when I copied the link. For the second link, you have to click to get to the chat but it's obvious where you need to click.
Mad Poster
#6 Old 26th Jun 2017 at 2:33 PM
I agree, Mustlovcats (and I do). I p.m. him similar info this morning. For our part, we can rally around and support him and pray for him. But, I'm thinking it's time to ask for some help for the heavy lifting.

Haywud, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

"Fear not little flock, for it hath pleased your Father to give you a kingdom". Luke 12:32 Chris Hatch's family friendly files archived on SFS: http://www.modthesims.info/showthread.php?t=603534 . Bulbizarre's website: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C...CoveredPortals/
Former Hamster
retired moderator
#7 Old 26th Jun 2017 at 3:00 PM
I really hope he checks back here, sees the links and decides it's at least worth a try. Talking to someone who has been trained to deal with situations like his could very well be just the thing he needs to start him on the road to being well again.
Alchemist
#8 Old 26th Jun 2017 at 4:19 PM
I'm sure glad you came back to post this, at last. It's concerning when someone says they just want to die and then you don't hear from them anymore.
I also agree with mustluvcatz; the disagree troll probably doesn't even know what it all feels like. And this surely isn't acceptable here, but fuck you, whoever you are.

If you remember me, I'm awesome!
__________
Need help building? We'll help.
Former Hamster
retired moderator
#9 Old 26th Jun 2017 at 4:55 PM
You forgot about the funny troll. I know I'm absolutely hilarious but.. really? I wonder this person (or people) realizes that clicking those little buttons isn't totally anonymous. (Yes, we know who you are and feel that you should know that you will be forever haunted by trolls, armed with Nerf guns, in your nightmares. Good luck with that, those little buggers are a lot faster than you may think they are. You can run.. but you can't hide )
Mad Poster
#10 Old 26th Jun 2017 at 5:41 PM
That was a real funny click, not the funny troll one.

"Fear not little flock, for it hath pleased your Father to give you a kingdom". Luke 12:32 Chris Hatch's family friendly files archived on SFS: http://www.modthesims.info/showthread.php?t=603534 . Bulbizarre's website: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C...CoveredPortals/
Mad Poster
#11 Old 28th Jun 2017 at 4:44 PM
Remember I'm always here for you, Max. I know I'm not online much because work and life keeps me pretty busy lately, but I love you and always enjoy hearing from you.

~Your friendly neighborhood ginge
Scholar
#12 Old 29th Jun 2017 at 3:29 AM
This situation with Max has really put a new light on MTS as a website. There are a few folks I haven't been endeared to here, thus I decided to drop away quietly, but it's truly heartwarming to see people flocking round to one persons aid when it's needed and appreciated the most. Honestly didn't expect that.

And to whoever posted links to suicide help chats, thank you for posting that publicly as I will definitely need that myself sometimes.


"It is easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain
Truth will not fear scrutiny.
Mad Poster
#13 Old 29th Jun 2017 at 4:04 AM
I wondered where you were. I'm glad you're back. And, yes, there are people on here I don't care for either, but I have learned the art of judicious blocking.

"Fear not little flock, for it hath pleased your Father to give you a kingdom". Luke 12:32 Chris Hatch's family friendly files archived on SFS: http://www.modthesims.info/showthread.php?t=603534 . Bulbizarre's website: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C...CoveredPortals/
Mad Poster
#14 Old 29th Jun 2017 at 10:34 AM
Quote: Originally posted by Bubblebeam
And to whoever posted links to suicide help chats, thank you for posting that publicly as I will definitely need that myself sometimes.


@mustluvcatz, is there a way to sticky those links at the top of the off-topic section? I've seen the situation so often on this site where someone is depressed and struggling in a severe way.

Addicted to The Sims since 2000.
Scholar
Original Poster
#15 Old 30th Jun 2017 at 5:52 AM
I want to thank everyone for trying to help, and I appreciate the links but I simply can't use them. As I said I simply struggle talking to most people in any form lately. I can't even talk to my parents it's so bad, though in that case it also doesn't help that I've lost my trust in them since they don't seem willing to do anything. My anxiety has reached a point where I can only talk to someone after really getting to know them, which means the only people I talk to at all are those few I've already been talking to for a while. So anything that involves immediately jumping into a live chat (even if it is text) with someone I don't know just isn't going to happen, I just can't do it. Plus if I can be honest I don't think any of those things will change my mind about how I view things right now, I've pretty much given up. Those that can truly help me do nothing, they sit back and do nothing at all. I'm hopeless on my own, and without help I won't make it through this.

I've already had several major break downs today (well technically yesterday as of right now) and I won't even mention what I tried after one of them. I think a major part of my problem is where I live, just living in this place is keeping me from getting anywhere. My problems all started here so I associate this place with that, and as long as I'm here I'll never get over it because I'll always be reminded of things. I'm stuck here though with no place I could go. I've genuinely considered just walking out of here and living on the streets just to get away, I don't care I just want out of here this place is driving me insane I want out of here. I'm not going to sit here and lie about things and about how I feel, I simply feel like a total failure. I don't have any motivation at all, and I cannot push myself out of this or even attempt to try. I've reached a point where I believe that I just can't beat this without the proper help, and as I already said those that I feel can help me do nothing. I just don't have the strength anymore to deal with this.

@smorbie1 Thank you for the message. I just wanted to let you know that I did read it and I'll try and reply when I can.

@Bigsimsfan12 Your friendship is very important to me, and you know exactly how I feel about you so I don't think I need to be saying that here. You've really been someone special to me and I can't thank you enough.

@Bubblebeam I know you've had your own struggles lately as well, but that hasn't stopped you from being there to try and help me. You have no idea how much I appreciate that, it really means a lot and you've been a wonderful friend.
Mad Poster
#16 Old 30th Jun 2017 at 10:09 AM
Haywud, if you do walk out...go to a hospital and tell them you are thinking of killing yourself. They can't ignore you. The point of those links isn't just to talk. Those folks (and the ones in the links I sent you in a pm) are people who would know what services are available to you - through medicaid or other state services. Maybe you could get meds or help with meds to find the ones that work.

Wishing you all the best - you are often in my thoughts! Again, if it helps, I'll make a call for you or perhaps you can ask someone else here that you trust to make the call. Please try to help yourself. You are worth it.

Addicted to The Sims since 2000.
Scholar
#17 Old 4th Jul 2017 at 11:30 PM
Has anyone heard from Haywud today?


"It is easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain
Truth will not fear scrutiny.
Mad Poster
#18 Old 5th Jul 2017 at 2:12 AM
No, is there a special reason we should be more worried?

I'm not asking that you betray confidences or anything, but do you think someone should be looking for him or calling 911 or something?

"Fear not little flock, for it hath pleased your Father to give you a kingdom". Luke 12:32 Chris Hatch's family friendly files archived on SFS: http://www.modthesims.info/showthread.php?t=603534 . Bulbizarre's website: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C...CoveredPortals/
Scholar
#19 Old 6th Jul 2017 at 6:18 AM
@smorbie1 Could you free up some inbox space for me? Trying to send you a PM. I've just heard from Haywud btw.


"It is easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain
Truth will not fear scrutiny.
Mad Poster
#20 Old 6th Jul 2017 at 12:21 PM
Quote: Originally posted by Bubblebeam
@smorbie1 Could you free up some inbox space for me? Trying to send you a PM. I've just heard from Haywud btw.


Okay, I did. Honestly, I almost never get mail. I don't know how it stays so full.

"Fear not little flock, for it hath pleased your Father to give you a kingdom". Luke 12:32 Chris Hatch's family friendly files archived on SFS: http://www.modthesims.info/showthread.php?t=603534 . Bulbizarre's website: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C...CoveredPortals/
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